Detta är en gammal historia som jag läser tillbaka i gymnasiet (sena 80-talet). Det var i en av de små science fiction-tidningarna (Amazing Stories, Asimov, etc), inte säker på vilken.
Historien handlar om en kille som har tappat ett finger eller en arm och kämpar med spöksmärta. Han gör någon form av zen saker för att lära sig att kontrollera sin hjärna så det kommer sluta berätta för honom om smärtan. Han skjuter sedan sin hjärnkontroll vidare och växer tillbaka fingret. Killen håller med att berätta för sin hjärna vad han ska göra tills hans hjärna säger "Du vill ha kontroll, du har det" och slutar göra alla de undermedvetna sakerna som de flesta hjärnor gör, som att hålla hjärtan att slå och andas. Killen slutar behöva tänka "slå hjärta", "andas in", "andas ut", "slå hjärta" hela tiden. Jag tror att det slutar med sin flickvän, som är in i voodoo, bygger en voodoo docka på honom och hakar det upp till en klocka eller något.
Ledsen för vagheten, men det är vad jag fick. Det är fast vid mig, men jag läste bara det en gång och för ett tag sedan.
Vilken hjälp som spåras ner skulle uppskattas.
"The Man Who Controlled Himself" , en kort historia av Thomas Wylde , publicerad i The Magazine of Fantasy & Science fiction , januari 1989 , tillgänglig på Internetarkiv .
Historien handlar om en kille som har förlorat ett finger eller en arm och kämpar med spöksmärta.
"I guess it all began when I lost the end of my little finger in a sushi restaurant. I thought the man was through hacking at the tuna, but he wasn't."
He paused while they examined his hands. There was nothing wrong with any of his fingers.
Donald's head went back. "Oh, I get it. They sewed the tip back on. Damned good work, too," he said, looking for a scar.
Norge shook his head. "As a matter of fact, they never found the fingertip. I think it got served to the folks at the next table."
"You're telling me it grew back?" said Donald.
"Don't be silly," said Penny. "What do you think he is, a lizard?"
"No, he's right," said Norge. "Eventually it did grow back, but, for the first few months, all it did was throb. I thought I was going to die. And the worst thing was, it hurt the most right at the end, on a part of the finger that wasn't even there anymore."
"Phantom pain," said Donald.
"Drugs couldn't touch it," said Norge. "And brother, I tried them all, along with a bunch of off-the-wall stuff — guided imagery, white noise, cream of rhinoceros horn soup. You name it, if it showed up in the National Enquirer, I tried it."
"Poor baby," said Penny.
"I was ready to kill myself. I even bought a gun."
Han gör en typ av zen saker för att lära sig att kontrollera sin hjärna så det kommer sluta berätta om smärtan. Han skjuter sedan sin hjärnkontroll vidare och växer tillbaka på fingret.
"My finger slowly tightened on the trigger, then — at the last second — I jerked the gun away and blew this humongous hole in the kitchen wall. I just stared at that hole and said to my brain, 'All right, you slime-bag, you're the bastard in charge of phantom pain, and you're the one that's going to turn it off. If it doesn't stop in five seconds, I'm gonna spread you all over the wallpaper.'"
"You shouldn't talk to your brain like that," said Donald. "It's dangerous."
Norge shrugged. "Well, it worked. I counted to five . . . and the pain stopped. And that's not all. In two weeks I had grown the end of my finger back — just by demanding it. I had taken control."
Killen håller med att berätta för sin hjärna vad han ska göra tills hans hjärna säger "Du vill ha kontroll, du har det" och slutar göra alla undermedvetna saker som de flesta hjärnor gör, som att hålla hjärtat slår och andas.
"I had demanded too much, said Norge," and my brain rebelled. One night, when I was in — well, it doesn't matter where I was. The deal was, I heard a voice deep inside saying, 'All right, clown. You wanna control everything, fine. Do it. Control everything.' After that I had to remember to beat my own heart and breathe and digest food and so forth — the whole nasty business of living. I was in control, all right, but it was hell."
Killen slutar behöva tänka "beat heart", "breathe in", "breathe out", "beat heart" hela tiden.
He had forgotten to stop sweating. Now he was drenched, and there was a puddle on the floor beneath the chair.
No wonder he was missing heartbeats. His electrolyte balance had to be all screwed up, and — oh shit! — there wasn't a drop of Gatorade in the house.
[. . . .]
She went on into the kitchen. He made saliva and swallowed it. "Add to — beat — the list — beat — some Gator — beat — ade."
Penny was already frowning at the list. "Now I've told you not to sweat so much!"
"A man's — beat — gotta sweat — beat — when a man's — beat — gotta sweat."
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